The Hardest Thing

The hardest thing to do is pretend to the world that you'll be okay, that you'll get on and move on and feel great, when inside, you're dying.
I spent the last several months, hoping that the changes we talked about would come to pass. I waited for him to want to work out with me, like we did at the beginning of our relationship. I waited.. and waited.
He waited for me to ask him.

Our communication and expectations were in totally different places.
I have been hoping that he could be the person he said he wanted to be, when we began our relationship. It was such a bright hopeful future he had laid before him. In response to his happiness, and our love for one another.. that we professed.. I was so hopeful that things would be great. He is so incredibly awesome, except when he's dating me

I feel at turns happy, and sad, that he seems to be doing so well without me clogging up his life.
:(

We have called it quits, over such cowardly communication as MSN messenger.

I feel terrible about the way we last spoke to each other, especially since he had only been asking when we could see each other again, and I wanted to see him. I don't know what prompted the rage to spill out. Maybe unloading my anger into punching the wall, something I haven't done in a decade, woke up emotions in me that I'd tried not to let out, for fear of invoking them in him. I didn't ever miss him like THIS, until he refused to see me, when I asked to speak to him in person; to make up for the unleashing of fury I heaped on him via texts. I wanted to tell him that I love him. Instead, I called him names and gave up on him.

I haven't felt this broken, and torn up, and godamnit absolutely shit-awful, in so long, I forgot how much a person can hurt. I am wailing when I cry. My stomach clenches in knots and I scream in long gasping keening wails. I think the last time I did that was in 2004.

I'll be okay for a time. Life seems unreal. For about an hour today, everything I looked it had about a 1/2 " red glow around the edges. I have no idea why. Is this what my pain looks like? Like everything bleeds?
I'll feel numb, and my eyes feel glazed and too big for my head. It's silent, like a grave.

And then I'll think to myself, "You're gonna be okay, you'll get through this! Get up and Do something!" And my thoughts, what I want to do.. Turn to anything at all, that we did together, and I fall apart. I can't do what I did before, because he's not here with me, and never will be again. It feels like someone cut off my arms, and then told me to go and hug people to show I want to live. I can't.

I sit and I cry, I wail into my hands, and I don't know why it hurts so much. I can speculate that because my other friend, Jason, may be moving away to China in the coming months, that it's rendered me incapable of coping with all of this at once. My two best friends in the world, leaving and not coming back. How do I do this? Can I even be human any more? Can a human being hurt this much and not die?

I feel so battered and broken, and utterly, utterly alone.

How do I live this life when things are happening as I said I wanted them, but all I feel is pain and loneliness?