People say I think too much sometimes. This time, I've got nothing to do but think, and what I've come to realize was that Life is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lesson after.
I realized after months of being miserable, but physically, emotionally, and mentally attracted to V, that I went about it all wrong. He was initially attracted to the strong, self-reliant and confident, fun, happy person I was. When we started dating that stayed for awhile, but then, we both changed. He wanted to be a different version of himself, a more-fun, happier, more active version, and I thought I had to be his role model and give him guidance and tell him what to do, how to act, how to fix things, and essentially, that he HAD to change and wasn't good enough.
I am so sorry for that.
I'd forgotten that I have to be myself at all times, and if someone wants to change, they can change themselves.
I can support, come along for the ride, but I can't change someone else. And to think he was feeling that pressure from me cuts deep. Especially now that I've lost him. He has to now avoid me, because he needs to heal. I guess we're both healing from the things we inflicted upon each other.
I'm so sorry I hurt us both.
I have to remind myself constantly that I am a good person, because lately, I have felt rotten about the way I acted. I guess, I'm just not going to have a healthy relationship. Not any time soon. For one thing, I'm still ridiculously in love with him, and I don't want anyone else. I want him just how he is: all those things the minister asks when you wed, I want those things. I want to marry him, and be with him always.
But since we've both got things to do, wounds to heal, and lives to live.. it's just not feasible that I'll pursue anyone else for a very long time.
Guess I'd better start working on em. Remembering who I like being, and trying to live with the pain of fucking things up so badly that I'l be alone for a long time.
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