People say I think too much sometimes. This time, I've got nothing to do but think, and what I've come to realize was that Life is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lesson after.
I realized after months of being miserable, but physically, emotionally, and mentally attracted to V, that I went about it all wrong. He was initially attracted to the strong, self-reliant and confident, fun, happy person I was. When we started dating that stayed for awhile, but then, we both changed. He wanted to be a different version of himself, a more-fun, happier, more active version, and I thought I had to be his role model and give him guidance and tell him what to do, how to act, how to fix things, and essentially, that he HAD to change and wasn't good enough.
I am so sorry for that.
I'd forgotten that I have to be myself at all times, and if someone wants to change, they can change themselves.
I can support, come along for the ride, but I can't change someone else. And to think he was feeling that pressure from me cuts deep. Especially now that I've lost him. He has to now avoid me, because he needs to heal. I guess we're both healing from the things we inflicted upon each other.
I'm so sorry I hurt us both.
I have to remind myself constantly that I am a good person, because lately, I have felt rotten about the way I acted. I guess, I'm just not going to have a healthy relationship. Not any time soon. For one thing, I'm still ridiculously in love with him, and I don't want anyone else. I want him just how he is: all those things the minister asks when you wed, I want those things. I want to marry him, and be with him always.
But since we've both got things to do, wounds to heal, and lives to live.. it's just not feasible that I'll pursue anyone else for a very long time.
Guess I'd better start working on em. Remembering who I like being, and trying to live with the pain of fucking things up so badly that I'l be alone for a long time.
Tuesday 15 May 2012
Monday 14 May 2012
I lied.. hardest thing.
That would be to realize the flaws in yourself, that possibly brought out the flaws in another.
I've done this before, to lovers and friends and enemies alike; forced them to see themselves in a way that was ugly to them, to see the flaws in themselves that they might not have been ready to tackle yet. Not out of malice, out of ignorance.
I know that I've got my own flaws, and what they are: impatience, frustration, selfishness, and low self-esteem at times. I've got issues with expressing my anger in an acceptable way. When one of these slips, the rest are in a rush right behind it, to pile onto me until I feel smothered in failure.
And this, I just discovered. I'm blind. When I feel overjoyed at having gotten something right, I want to share it with everyone and tell them how I did it, and push on them to do the same thing. I know I didn't do it out of malice, or of seeing them as flawed. I saw it as trying to help: "I learned a way to do things that worked for me, maybe you could try it!"
What I seem to forget is that everyone is on their own path. There are people in differing stages of their lives, that I'm just not seeing. I've had to step back and look at other peoples' lives as just that: their lives. Not mine. I have to remember that I'm not living their life, and I'm a different person than they are, with different thought patterns, life experiences and habits, so what works for me may not work for them. To think that I can fix everyone is unreasonable, and arrogant.
From now on, I will strive to remember that I am my own person, just as you are your own person.
From now on, I will strive to be more patient with everyone, myself included. Things take time; goals don't fall onto your head, neatly wrapped up in a Quest Log.
From now on, I will love myself, and treat others as I wish to be treated.
From now on, we're all individuals. You are not peripheral characters in my story. You all have your own.
I love each and every one of you. Whoever may be reading this. :)
I've done this before, to lovers and friends and enemies alike; forced them to see themselves in a way that was ugly to them, to see the flaws in themselves that they might not have been ready to tackle yet. Not out of malice, out of ignorance.
I know that I've got my own flaws, and what they are: impatience, frustration, selfishness, and low self-esteem at times. I've got issues with expressing my anger in an acceptable way. When one of these slips, the rest are in a rush right behind it, to pile onto me until I feel smothered in failure.
And this, I just discovered. I'm blind. When I feel overjoyed at having gotten something right, I want to share it with everyone and tell them how I did it, and push on them to do the same thing. I know I didn't do it out of malice, or of seeing them as flawed. I saw it as trying to help: "I learned a way to do things that worked for me, maybe you could try it!"
What I seem to forget is that everyone is on their own path. There are people in differing stages of their lives, that I'm just not seeing. I've had to step back and look at other peoples' lives as just that: their lives. Not mine. I have to remember that I'm not living their life, and I'm a different person than they are, with different thought patterns, life experiences and habits, so what works for me may not work for them. To think that I can fix everyone is unreasonable, and arrogant.
From now on, I will strive to remember that I am my own person, just as you are your own person.
From now on, I will strive to be more patient with everyone, myself included. Things take time; goals don't fall onto your head, neatly wrapped up in a Quest Log.
From now on, I will love myself, and treat others as I wish to be treated.
From now on, we're all individuals. You are not peripheral characters in my story. You all have your own.
I love each and every one of you. Whoever may be reading this. :)
Saturday 12 May 2012
The Hardest Thing
The hardest thing to do is pretend to the world that you'll be okay, that you'll get on and move on and feel great, when inside, you're dying.
I spent the last several months, hoping that the changes we talked about would come to pass. I waited for him to want to work out with me, like we did at the beginning of our relationship. I waited.. and waited.
He waited for me to ask him.
Our communication and expectations were in totally different places.
I have been hoping that he could be the person he said he wanted to be, when we began our relationship. It was such a bright hopeful future he had laid before him. In response to his happiness, and our love for one another.. that we professed.. I was so hopeful that things would be great. He is so incredibly awesome, except when he's dating me
I feel at turns happy, and sad, that he seems to be doing so well without me clogging up his life.
:(
We have called it quits, over such cowardly communication as MSN messenger.
I feel terrible about the way we last spoke to each other, especially since he had only been asking when we could see each other again, and I wanted to see him. I don't know what prompted the rage to spill out. Maybe unloading my anger into punching the wall, something I haven't done in a decade, woke up emotions in me that I'd tried not to let out, for fear of invoking them in him. I didn't ever miss him like THIS, until he refused to see me, when I asked to speak to him in person; to make up for the unleashing of fury I heaped on him via texts. I wanted to tell him that I love him. Instead, I called him names and gave up on him.
I haven't felt this broken, and torn up, and godamnit absolutely shit-awful, in so long, I forgot how much a person can hurt. I am wailing when I cry. My stomach clenches in knots and I scream in long gasping keening wails. I think the last time I did that was in 2004.
I'll be okay for a time. Life seems unreal. For about an hour today, everything I looked it had about a 1/2 " red glow around the edges. I have no idea why. Is this what my pain looks like? Like everything bleeds?
I'll feel numb, and my eyes feel glazed and too big for my head. It's silent, like a grave.
And then I'll think to myself, "You're gonna be okay, you'll get through this! Get up and Do something!" And my thoughts, what I want to do.. Turn to anything at all, that we did together, and I fall apart. I can't do what I did before, because he's not here with me, and never will be again. It feels like someone cut off my arms, and then told me to go and hug people to show I want to live. I can't.
I sit and I cry, I wail into my hands, and I don't know why it hurts so much. I can speculate that because my other friend, Jason, may be moving away to China in the coming months, that it's rendered me incapable of coping with all of this at once. My two best friends in the world, leaving and not coming back. How do I do this? Can I even be human any more? Can a human being hurt this much and not die?
I feel so battered and broken, and utterly, utterly alone.
How do I live this life when things are happening as I said I wanted them, but all I feel is pain and loneliness?
I spent the last several months, hoping that the changes we talked about would come to pass. I waited for him to want to work out with me, like we did at the beginning of our relationship. I waited.. and waited.
He waited for me to ask him.
Our communication and expectations were in totally different places.
I have been hoping that he could be the person he said he wanted to be, when we began our relationship. It was such a bright hopeful future he had laid before him. In response to his happiness, and our love for one another.. that we professed.. I was so hopeful that things would be great. He is so incredibly awesome, except when he's dating me
I feel at turns happy, and sad, that he seems to be doing so well without me clogging up his life.
:(
We have called it quits, over such cowardly communication as MSN messenger.
I feel terrible about the way we last spoke to each other, especially since he had only been asking when we could see each other again, and I wanted to see him. I don't know what prompted the rage to spill out. Maybe unloading my anger into punching the wall, something I haven't done in a decade, woke up emotions in me that I'd tried not to let out, for fear of invoking them in him. I didn't ever miss him like THIS, until he refused to see me, when I asked to speak to him in person; to make up for the unleashing of fury I heaped on him via texts. I wanted to tell him that I love him. Instead, I called him names and gave up on him.
I haven't felt this broken, and torn up, and godamnit absolutely shit-awful, in so long, I forgot how much a person can hurt. I am wailing when I cry. My stomach clenches in knots and I scream in long gasping keening wails. I think the last time I did that was in 2004.
I'll be okay for a time. Life seems unreal. For about an hour today, everything I looked it had about a 1/2 " red glow around the edges. I have no idea why. Is this what my pain looks like? Like everything bleeds?
I'll feel numb, and my eyes feel glazed and too big for my head. It's silent, like a grave.
And then I'll think to myself, "You're gonna be okay, you'll get through this! Get up and Do something!" And my thoughts, what I want to do.. Turn to anything at all, that we did together, and I fall apart. I can't do what I did before, because he's not here with me, and never will be again. It feels like someone cut off my arms, and then told me to go and hug people to show I want to live. I can't.
I sit and I cry, I wail into my hands, and I don't know why it hurts so much. I can speculate that because my other friend, Jason, may be moving away to China in the coming months, that it's rendered me incapable of coping with all of this at once. My two best friends in the world, leaving and not coming back. How do I do this? Can I even be human any more? Can a human being hurt this much and not die?
I feel so battered and broken, and utterly, utterly alone.
How do I live this life when things are happening as I said I wanted them, but all I feel is pain and loneliness?
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