Cycles of Guilt and Shame have Very Uncomfy Seats. Why Bother Riding Them, Anyway!

"The reason that we have not been ‘loving our neighbor as ourselves’ is because we have been doing it backwards. We were taught to judge and feel ashamed of ourselves. We were taught to hate ourselves for being human."

First of all, what is guilt? I see it as manipulation. Parents use it to control their kids, probably believing that by showing them the consequences their behaviour has on others, that they’ll learn to be more considerate of others, to show compassion because of some sudden realization.

We should be aware of our connections, yes, but not at the expense of questioning our own desires and needs. We lose perspective on what’s really important because we don’t want to “feel bad” for choosing our desires over what people will think of us for doing so.

Shame is even worse; it takes it one step further by bypassing guilt. Now, by ignoring other peoples’ needs over our own, we’re selfish, we’re inconsiderate, we’re stupid or self-serving. We are “bad people”. Basically, those people will use our wants and needs as a source of shame as they see their own as more important.

If you’re able to ignore the guilt-trips, the people involved then move on to attack you as a person. It moves blame from what we’re DOING, to who we ARE. We don’t really have much defense against that, so we just absorb it and accept that’s part of who we are.  THIS IS NOT RIGHT.

Once we get this treatment over and over, we learn to do it ourselves, without anyone having to say anything; we know the score, we’re on it. *GUILTSHAMEGUILTSHAMEGUILTSHAME* all over ourselves. So when we look at our desires, we now automatically try to look at what others want or expect of us and decide if the guilt is worth the effort. Most of the time, if we do risk it, we risk shame from the ripple effects of our actions.

I wondered if I could ever get out of this cycle.

To ask, “What do I want?” instead of assessing each of my choices to see what it would cost me in guilt or shame.

It’s a fear thing, really. Internally, we think that whatever the guilt or shame represent, is the worst thing EVER. But these are bits and pieces from our pasts, and they can’t hurt us if we don’t let them. However, if they’ve been with you a long time, you’ve gotten used to using those “skills” to determine your actions, and essentially become a habit. Those are REALLY hard to break. The paralysis they create within us prevents us from taking any action whose outcome they could be connected to.

The way it works in practice is like this: I am feeling fat; I judge myself for being fat; I shame myself for being fat; I beat myself up for being fat; then I am hurting so badly that I have to relieve some of the pain; so to nurture myself I eat 20 cookies; then I judge myself for eating the cookies, etc. etc.

Shame, to self-abuse, to shame, to serve no purpose but to make us feel unlovable or unworthy.

Obviously, this is a dysfunctional cycle if our purpose is to be happy and enjoy being alive.

Changing our belief system, the one we’ve used to dictate how we react to life, the one we’ve had for years, is very difficult. We have to change our relationship with ourselves, and you may know how hard it is to change a FRIEND you’ve known for years, who’s acted the same way for years. It’s almost like there’s no movement at all, sometimes.

What we need to do, is switch our shame/guilt thought reactions into positive, life-affirming thoughts. “I am so fat!” becomes “I can lose weight!”

“I am so poor, I can’t afford anything,” becomes “If I get off my ass and get a job, I can afford what I need and want.” It’s harder to put these into ACTION, though, if for so long you’ve been the type to just sit and obsess about how badly your life is going.

The guilt and shame aspects of these types of thoughts are pretty profound. You can sit there and think happy thoughts at yourself all day; they won’t change a damn thing in your life if you don’t stand up and ACT on them.

Acting on your positive thoughts will reinforce that, even though you sat there and thought, “If I want to get a job, I have to go and look for one, and my résumé isn’t up-to-date, and it looks like crap, so I won’t get hired, so I might as well not even try.” CYCLE OF SHAME, BEGONE!

If you think you won’t get hired, you will not do the things that will get you hired. Employers can smell a defeated prospect a mile away. If you think you won’t lose weight, you won’t. It really is that simple. 

The action you take should not involve shame or judgement on yourself. “Get up, because you’re a fat, lazy ass and you don’t wanna be that anymore!” is not an effective way of changing your thoughts. It may work at FIRST, but it’s still a destructive way of getting you motivated, and ultimately, you will fail. You’ll eventually get to the point where you stop doing what you were doing, even for as little as one day, and your mind will come back with, “See? You’re lazy and you couldn’t do it for long anyways.” And you'll stop. I have done this, COUNTLESS times.

You want to change your relationship with yourself - you want to LOVE yourself, so why not change your thought patterns to respond in a way that encourages you. Think in a way that supports your decisions, whether they prove to be good OR bad in the long run; they are YOURS.

Most of my problem was that I have a little kid living inside my mind; that little kid wants instant gratification and instant relief from problems. The adult in me knows that delayed gratification for life’s things is pretty much how the world rolls, but MAN, is it hard to accept that some days!

I have to set a boundary between the Little Shya and the Grown-Up Shya. I know that true pride in one’s actions comes from ACTING on my thoughts; from saying out loud that “I WILL DO THIS THING,” and doing it.

True pride is taking credit for the action we have taken to foster, nurture, and maintain those gifts we’re given: whether it be looks, talent, intelligence or for being spiritual, healthy, or sober. We need to set loving boundaries for ourselves in the moment of that desperate need for immediate gratification and to know that - though it is not shameful if we can't do it perfectly or all the time - we need to 'just do it.'

So how to get over these feelings of guilt and shame for not being who you wanna be? Practice. There are so many things you can do to stop feeling like this, the foremost being, TRY ANYWAY.
Face those fears, do what you want to do, and DO NOT let the guilt and shame wash over you and mar the moment when you realize that by doing things for yourself, you are NOT being selfish, you are NOT being an asshole, you are doing something that to YOUR LIFE, seems right.

  

Guilt is manipulation, remember, so if we want to do something that benefits us, the fear is of having someone telling us that we are bad or wrong, because they would have preferred we make the effort, spend the time or use the energy on THEIR behalf, not ours.

What's the worst that can happen to you? Probably nothing as serious or as terrible as you think. Are you going to allow that fear to paralyze you?

Be who you are and say what you feel 

because those who mind don't matter

and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

Let those fears rise to the surface, make peace with them and then confidently move forward on your path, knowing that from your point of truth everything is possible, and when you stand in that truth, the worst never happens.