Life, the Universe and lots of Things.

Writing a list today, to remind myself of the various paths I’ve taken towards being myself, I was reminded strongly that in pursuit of each of these “explanations” of who I am as a person, I’ve neglected the one thing that makes me happy: creativity.

I have put aside projects I was initially excited about, that got me all fired up, creative juices flowing, because I suddenly found myself reading something or hearing about something that made me think, “Wow that sounds like me! I should go research this exhaustively to see if it’s true!”

Each time, whether through paganism, Wicca, Christianity, Asperger’s Syndrome, deciding if I was an alien, a robot, or both, Buddhism, deciding maybe I’m an Atheist, maybe no, I’m an Agnostic, it lead me to another idea, another source of information. I never seemed to get a definitive answer, which left me more knowledgeable about the world, but less so about myself.

The conclusion I have come to, after the MANY paths I’ve explored, is that I am a spiritual being and I like making things that make people happy. It makes me feel warm and proud to create something from my own vision of the world, hand it to someone and have them go, “WOW! You MADE this?? This is amazing!” , and knowing they’ll treasure it. I have pushed aside the creative part of myself constantly and consistently over the years, but I want it back. I will be working toward that as much as I can in the coming months.

Looking too hard for answers as to who you are, to cram yourself into one small box, only to look outside your little box and see another one that looks like you might fit into better, ultimately leaves us feeling unfulfilled and uncertain. Focusing so hard on those boxes and labels is what helps us neglect the things we genuinely like to do, the things that make us happy. Because everyone knows, if you don’t know who and what you are, obsessively to every detail, you can’t be happy… /sarcasm.

Obviously I recognize the problems I face in my life. Sometimes I worry that people see me as a flighty, kind of dumb but cheerful doofus. I’m always hoping that someone will see deeper than that and know that the things I’ve lived through, SURVIVED, and accomplished, mean something important in the end. Those things mean that I tried; where others are content to sit gazing at their navel, filling their lives with emptiness in front of a big glass screen, I went looking for myself to see what the Universe holds and where I fit in it.

“I always knew I'd never reach perfection
And if I ever did then I wasn't trying hard enough
'Cause there is always something more to reach for..”